Money's short
Times are hard
Here's your fucking
christmas card

Twas the night before christmas
and all through the house
everybody felt shitty
even the mouse.

Mom at the whorehouse
and dad smoking grass
I'd just settled down
for a nice piece of ass.

When out on the lawn
I heard such a clatter
I sprung from my piece
to see what's the matter

Then out on the lawn
I saw a big dick
I knew in a moment
it must be saint nick.

He came down the chimney
like a bat out of hell
I knew in a moment
the fucker had fell.

He filled all our stockings
with pretzels and beer
and a big rubber dick
for my brother the queer.

He rose up the chimney
with a thunderous fart
the son of a bitch
blew the chimney apart.

He swore and he cursed
as he rode out of sight
piss on you all
and have a hell of a night!